the war inside

What can I say. I’ve been postponing writing this for three weeks now. If I wrote this, or what I felt three weeks ago it would mainly be an angry post or depressing. Now I still write with a ting or anger,sadness, but there is also some happiness, and I’ve come to better terms with it, then were I was at. I’m not sure what to call it. This hate/love relationship with christianity I have.

 

Over the past few weeks I’ve been reading posts over at http://sarahoverthemoon.com/, and I’ve come to realize how much I have been affected by fundamental christians, and the christians at my old school and old churches. A lot of memories from before 8th grade are packed away in the back of my mind. I don’t really like thinking about it at all. Its severely saddens me, and puts my mind in a bad place. They just were’t good times. Three weeks ago, on a Wednesday night I found sara’s blog(mentioned above) through someone else’s blog, and the first post I read was on mark Driscoll, I was referred to her site through another post on mark Driscoll, and laughed as I read it, and it made me feel better. http://sarahoverthemoon.com/2012/01/25/mark-driscoll-church-bunny/

I found her writing witty and funny, and intelligent and so I went to the home page and found a few posts that I liked just as much. And in reading I found other sites, through her on woman and christianity, and feminism. Through her and others I’ve realized how much I have been hurt by christianity and how much of what was taught to me for years still dominates how I feel/think. I know its all wrong, my mind knows, but my heart has doubt. I disagree with the christians I’ve known on basically everything, but it was taught to me for so long its still with me. They told us so much, but so little. Example. Don’t have sex till your married…end of conversation. I think not talking about sex just hurts everyone In the end they do this a lot with many different topics. Violence, women’s “place”, biblical manhood and womanhood, lgbt, different sins etc…

For years I was told things like, wait for God to send a man to you and he will become your husband or God has someone for you, hand picked! Or one of these http://diannaeanderson.net/?p=942

And now I don’t believe that, but some part of me still connects with this, because I was taught it for years.

I went to a private christian school and wore a dress everyday for about 7 years, enough to last me a lifetime. And any chance they got it was about “covering it up” or “being modest” and so when not in school I wore extreemly baggy pants, and shirts, and hoodies two sizes to big. For a while I’ve thought that was just me being free from skirts and dresses, and it was, but it was also me hiding..like they told me. Cover it up! Let no one see anything!! And I still follow close to that today. I’ve realized that even though I don’t think you need to cover up, or you’ll get it or “be modest”(thier terms) I still cover up. Just last year I started wearing pants that actually fit, and I’ve been trying to wear shirts that do the same, instead of two sizes to big, and I recently got a hoodie that actually fits opposed to my ginormus one were I could live in. I don’t think I’ll suddenly start wearing less, but I want to dress better cause I look in pictures and I don’t think a lot of my wardrobe compliments me, and I think I’ve done this because in the back of my mind their words still ring, even though there wrong.

 

Growing up in a american christian school many things were okay and many were not. For one woman were not allowed to speak their problems to the conceal or principal, which posses problems for my single mother. Wearing pants, not cool. Once in fifth grade we were doing service work at the school and they sent a notice home that we could wear pants, so me and one other girl wore pants to school, apparently though you were supposed to bring the pants and change before we started working. Man were we in trouble. Taken to the side and yelled at..for wearing pants. Its one of the worst memories I have, cause to this day I remember not knowing what was wrong with wearing pants. Lets see…watching tv or movies wasn’t okay,and if you did it the “rules” excluded everything on tv or in movies. For years, and still now, I don’t like talking about what I watch or read because back then I was judged for it. A measly kiss and out the door for that movie or show, sex..run away! Its evil. And all this other nonsense. My mom still sheltered me from harry potter until I was older, but other than that I was pretty free to watch what I wanted. I remember a year at my middle school, and the golden compass had just come out, and I wanted to see it. All of my friends and teachers discouraged me from seeing it, because it is anti-religion. My mom wanted to see it so we went together. And afterwards we talked about what we saw, and thought and to this day we both still liked the movie and don’t regret seeing it. The day after at school I told people and I got those looks. I’m so tired of those looks. I love mad men, which does have a few sex scenes(no nudity) and I skip through it. I love the walking dead and even though I can’t think of a reason they wouldn’t approve I’m sure theirs a reason. I love game of thrones, and there is at least one-three sex scenes(nudity) per epsiode or every other one, and I just skip through it, I enjoy thrones for its acting, and the characters. Last year I started watching true blood, which also has a lot of sex with nudity, and I skip it, I don’t really have a reason for watching it I just like the characters jessica and eric. I love the vampire diaries, its taught me to be appreciative of being human, and many other things.

I love harry potter, lord of the rings, Narnia, x-men, batman, star wars, and for years I wouldn’t listen to secular music because I thought it was wrong, even though I told myself  it wasn’t. There was a short period in which the likes of lincoln park , three days grace, simple plan and similar artists flooded my day to day listening, and they were bad times, not because of the music though. When I listen to certain songs now I remember those times, hence I don’t like it anymore, but now years after I’ve forgiven and forgotten a lot, and I can listen to them with freedom. But no one knew I listened to them, I’d be dead if they knew. The first secular band music I bought was 30 seconds to mars, this christmas. The first to make it on to my iPod and not be “christian”. And I don’t feel guilty!

 

I started going to church with my dad,stepmom, stepsister, and brother and its tuff. As soon as I walk in the doors I tense up, and start to shut down. Sitting in service I rarely actually follow what the pastor is saying, but my mind races to the past. Thinking of the hurt, pain ,anger,sadness, and bitterness. Questions wizz through and I can’t answer any. I want this to work but I don’t think it will. And it was greatly said by sara

 

 

http://sarahoverthemoon.com/2012/02/05/sometimes-you-find-god-somewhere-else/

“Sometimes you don’t find God in church.

Sometimes you go to church, and as others around you experience the Almighty, you experience only discomfort.

Or the pain of old wounds.

Or bitterness.

Sometimes you enter that building and something triggers a memory and your heart goes into defense mode and something tells you not to let yourself be vulnerable.

Not this time.

Not right now.

Maybe next time, but right now. Today. You must keep your heart safe.

And you wonder if God is there, but you’re afraid to open up your heart and look, so maybe he’s not there or maybe you’re just missing it, but right now you don’t care.

And that’s okay.”

a good thing i can say is that through blogs, i’ve found more who’ve been hurt by christians who indoctrinated certain things onto them, and its relieving to know theirs others, its scary that i’ve found so many. and i’ve noticed we, at least me to them, have a lot of the same issues we have now because of how we grew up, in that way. i ‘m grateful that there are others, and i look up to them, because how they’ve recovered, and their story is empowering. i can see its a long journey ahead to recovery, but i think i’m ready to start the healing.

There are still many thoughts flooding my mind, but to write them down,, and post would be insane. Hopefully I can get the majority of it all down, and post them in multiple posts, instead of just one.

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