When you want someone else’s life your doing something wrong. When you want a fictional persons life, then there is definitely something wrong. Setting my facebook picture and cover to actual photos of me I look through ones I’ve had. One of me and my dad, I remember those days leading up to meeting him like it was yesterday, and now I feel like I’ve thrown it all away. It started off well a movie here and there, then church on sundays, and once I spent the night; I haven’t seen them in at least a month, by now its probably hitting two. An old cover photo, one I edited that has me and my brother ryan in it. Calm looking water, and green grass reaching all across the picture, a Dalmatian off to the side. At the center my brother, and I in what seems like a lifetime ago. When we were on that trip, to see our brothers wedding, it was like we were in a different time. I felt so close to him, like I could say anything. Now I avoid going down to see him. The question remains why. He’s doing well so it seems, taking care of the kids and not getting into to much trouble, but when I’m driving back home I hold back tears because its just not enough. I have this image of him in my head this idea of him and most of the time I’m disappointed, but I know its not him, because on vacation last year it was so different, it was what I always imagined us being like if we knew each other better. Now I go down and I see he’s doing fine, but just borderline fine, and I know if he left he could do so much better. For three days I had dreams in which he left, I don’t remember where but in one way or another he was gone, on my school trip we texted about going out to new hampshire again for another brothers graduation and he said he was contemplating going back to france, me being myself I freaked and didn’t text him back for a couple days, now I just want him to leave. I see pictures of my other brothers and I have ideas of them too, but its never enough. I see here, that maybe this is why I like characters like loki from the avengers and thor, and klaus and the other originals from the vampire diaries because their just looking for a place to call home, and a family. It always comes down to, that even though I know if I my mom was alive that it would be far from perfect or even happy, but I just have this picture in my head that I know will never come true. What makes it all worse is that its her birthday this week, on may 19th she would have been 43(I think). The most selfish part of me wants her here, even if she was still running, even if she didn’t have peace. That part of me identifies with elena she never knew her mom and she did get to meet her, and then she died. Even though I know she probably would have disappointed me,like other’s do, it would have been nice. On the last note I’m one of those people that wish vampire’s existed and I’m talking about the vampire diaries kind, what I like about them is that they don’t die, something that never leaves to me thats a treasure, I feel like I’ve lost a lot of people,mainly my parents, and just imagining someone thats always there for you(yes I hear you all saying Gods always there).
On trips I take with my school I feel so alive and I think its because I’m around people, I’ve discover I actually like people and I’m better when I’m around them more often. Also I’ve been noticing I’m a lot like my birth mom. I negotiate a lot when I get in trouble and my mom did that all the time, and got what she wanted too, and I think I like being loud and “partying” and being girly, its just I hate going there because then everyone freaks out that I’m girly. ‘
Last last note, I hate late night epiphany’s…
forevertomorrowland 