Don’t ask me to think about it, don’t ask me to say it, don’t say it. That word that makes me twinge, most of the time anyway.
Last spring when I was getting to know my dad, and his family I started to go to church with them. I was initially excited because I thought if it as more time with them. Then the second thoughts hit. Emergency lights, and sirens started to off in my head. The way it always goes when I am trying a new church.
My last two experiences with churches however positive were short lived. I went to a Calvary church about half an hour away from where I live, because I was at a concert one night, and the concert was held at another Calvary campus, and I was alone(my mom was parking the car) and a young women came up and started to talk to me. Initially she had me, she was sweet, caring , kind and inviting. She was there with her youth group from another Calvary. She invited me to play a game called “Brutal Uno” with them, a well…brutal version of Uno, and so I sat and played. Their youth pastor was their, and I instantly wanted to go to this church. They had the pastor that I was looking for, young, outgoing, hip, and goofy. This was the beginning of the best church experience I have ever had. Short lived , because this youth pastor and his wife decided to move and plant another church. My dream was over.
This experience did subside my feelings I got in churches, although it still happened to a degree. Shaky hands, sweaty, nervous, thinking fast, trying to calm down.
Going back to church with my dad brought all of my past back, and I’d post about it, and they said I didn’t have to go, but I wanted to. I wanted to get over this, and to spend time with my dad. Every week no matter how hard I tried it would all happen…i’d be uncomfortable, and then a twinge of pain from old wounds…then bitterness..and anger…round and round it would go…the only relief was stepping outside those doors.
Most of the time I tried to distract myself by paying attention to the sermon, take notes, look up the passages, read along, etc. If I wasn’t careful my mind would wander and eventually that loop would pick up
I’m bringing all this up for two reasons. One as I am graduating this year I am wrapping two projects, Passages, that have to do with me and the church. My Global, on women and empowerment, and my Logical, Are other women happy in the church? Writing my Logical Wrap up my Advisor asked me to write about what started all of it, a big question indeed my dear Advisor. It all comes back to Sarah.. http://sarahoverthemoon.com/2012/02/05/sometimes-you-find-god-somewhere-else/
Here I found a common friend, who has not felt God in church, who has felt pain and discomfort. From here my journey has taken many side roads, and led me to other places, but I always come back to this post. Reading it my heart breaks.. My mind remembers and my heart aches. I can’t fight the feelings.
I don’t want to be this way anymore. I’ve prayed for freedom, for forgiveness. I want to move on, to heal, to not have these overwhelming feelings of sadness. To cry at the word of church. To cry from the memories. I want to let go.
Throughout the Passages I think its over, I’m finally not anger, I’m not sad. Its gone. Its done. Then with a word, a sight a sound its all back.
I have never detailed my experience with church/christianity, maybe I should. I’ve shared, but not published the words written.
If you ask me why I feel this way I cannot pinpoint one reason that was the tipping point. I’ll recall stories and memories long stored. Getting yelled at for mistakenly wearing pants, when I was supposed to bring them, being told I need to be a girl and stop dressing the way I do, being a “weirdo” for having guy best friends, being made fun of when I did where pink or make up. It’s a colossal list that I could go on and on about.
In conclusion, for now, I’d like to end on a positive note and say thanks to all the people who have been the worlds best people to me..yes it sounds weird. .. To Sarah who if I had not stumbled on this post would have felt alone longer, would have gone crazy. If it wasn’t for this post I would also not know about Rachel Held Evans, a great writer, and comedic relief in the stressful and tense(for me) world of religion. And through these two people I found Lauren Dubinsky founder of Good Women Project, another instrumental place in me regaining my sanity and happiness. Their blogs have made me cry, I can relate, have made me dance with joy because finally someone else felt like I did, made me shake my fist in the air because there isn’t just one, there are many of us. But most of all gave me a home, a place I found, where I wasn’t alone, crazy, weird, outcast, ostracized, yelled at, or told I’m not worth it. In these places they told me I have worth, I have value, and that there is life beyond such places, that we are not alone. I try everyday to write the “perfect” piece describing the freedom, and happiness these people have brought me, and I fear I will never be able to. But in a shout out, thank you Sarah, Rachel and Lauren I will never forget you.(In a good way)
credits
forevertomorrowland 